Friday, April 1, 2011

Afraid to fail (introduction to BEDA).

I like stuff.

I like taking up challenges (especially if they don't involve social commitments) and new projects. However if you looked at me you wouldn't be able to tell the extent of perfectionism that sets all my boundaries. For me every new project is not only fun. It's literally a challenge. I like to try myself in various ways, set goals for self-improvement.  How many New Year's resolutions do you have? Two, five, fifteen? I have never aimed at fewer than twenty-five. I'm not saying that it's good, no. But I can devote so much time to sticking to those resolutions, even if they are stupid.

For example, last year I had a resolution to finish one of Beethoven's sonatas. I did the majority of the work on December 31st. Which I didn't have to do. I didn't have any concert due or any audition. I could do that the following day. But I had just said I would have it finished by January 1st. And I had.

I have lists, notebooks with lists, agendas, pin boards and more lists. The greatest joy for me would be to scratch things off my 'to do' list. It's not about getting things done, it's about getting the things off the list. Weirdo? Definitely yes.

If only I start reading one book I have to finish it, even if it's the worst book ever. I just cannot stop in the middle.

So what keeps me away from taking up a challenge is the possibility that I won't succeed. I'm not even trying for fear that I might fail. Not doing things just for fun, but for the sake of "completing" something.

I didn't want to call this thing BEDA. Not because I didn't believe that I would be able to do this; I was actually sure that too much other stuff would stand in the way and I don't want to make commitments  when I know my schedule is already full. But then again Kristina once said in her pre-NaNoWriMo video that it's not about hitting 50 thousand words; you can write 20 thousand, 10 thousand or just a few pages. But it's  about just setting aside SOME time and giving SOME effort, just having a good time.
Maybe you'd say that NaNoWriMo didn't teach me to accept a failure (yeah, eventually I won. I know, I sound like a bitchy bound-to-win character from a Hilary Duff movie. Haha, I wish.).

But now I am. I am accepting the BEDA challenge. And I am proudly heading for a failure!

I guess the conclusion to that inarticulate piece of rambling is that I am trying to combat my fear to fail. If I win I'm cool. But if I don't I'm awesome.

Oh wait, you thought there was a subconclusion to which this blog post comes even more logically? Oh yeah, don't expect any fancy content. So bear with my people.

Happy BEDA!

PS. Oh, I feel like I need to incorporate some "online culture" references (hello Ryan). So have you seen the newest Natalie Tran video on Lonely Planet? She has crossed all the levels of awesomeness. I'm never gonna make my sunny side up eggs any other way than on an iron.

the song of the day: Friday - Rebecca Black (what did you expect?)


  1. Cool that you're doing it!
    I'll be following your project here :)
    Oh, and I'm exactly the same way with lists, and with perfectionism!...

  2. This is so amazing, Nela! I love your writing style! Also, I'm equally task oriented and obsessed with To Do Lists. I've never made 25 New Year's Resolutions, though, so I think you may be more so! I've definitely enjoyed this, though, thanks for posting the link to your YPO vid!