Sunday, April 24, 2011


"Because isn't that the thing with fantasies? Fantasies are absolutely safe, as long as you never try to make them a reality. Whether you're fantasizing about wife-swapping, or cafe/bookshops, it's still a truism that they will always be safer when they are kept locked in your head"

This comes from the book "Bookends" by Jane Green. I picked it from the library only because the author's name was Jane Green and because the cover was excellent. I'm not too far in - so far I don't feel very captivated by the story and I'm at this stage where I mostly get annoyed with the characters. But I've just read these two sentences and they reflect my recent thoughts very well. Moreover, they reminded me of a conversation I once had with Silling, about glorifying our dreams and not being able to confront them with the reality.

What Silling was reflecting upon was the meaning of a "cloud", the one derived from saying "being on cloud nine" but also the one that touches the mountains gently and if you really want to, you can simply climb a mountain! And be in a real cloud! But then Silling realized that a cloud is just condensed fog. And if you really climbed that mountain, you would just find yourself soaked and not being able to see very well.
I've once been in a cloud. When I was in Italy with my choir, we lived on a peak of a mountain (this is an actual photo from Levico Terme). The parish house we lived in, dipped in the creamy sugar-flossy clouds, from the ground looked like in freakin' Peter Pan. Up there it was pretty normal, but chilly.

And recently I was thinking, in a sort of depressing fashion, about things we take as those clouds, dreams that we idolize, thinking that achieving them is THE purpose of our lives. Or other way, we take our dreams for granted, being certain that if the thought of achieving the goal has been always with us, the very wish must be our future. At the same moment, the desire is a kind of a sanctuary in our hearts, holy place that we are afraid to touch, so we just don't do anything. And we end up bitter either because we thought it would be so awesome and it's just plain and normal or because we were frightened to climb that stupid mountain.

So I don't know, I just don't know. I am afraid to waste my life, but on the other hand I don't know if I can reach for what I want to do, and then I don't even know if I can do this and am afraid that if I face this wish I will either fail or be ridiculed for trying and at the same time I am tired of all the work but I know that without training your muscles you cannot simply climb that mountain; on the other hand I feel like when I'm working too hard I can overlook something important. So let's summarize it by "blaaahhh", okay? (or as Ron puts it "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode". By the way, nice subject agreement, Ron)

Song of the day: It's Already Done - Evelyn Turrentine-Agee
So let's rejoice that it's already done. Happy Easter!

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