Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Thoughts from the shower.

Let me tell you a story about how I switched schools in 4th grade. I switched schools because the kids from my class read the letter I wrote to St. Claus.

Of course there were other reasons - I didn't feel very well there, wasn't getting along with other kids and we didn't do much in classes. Sooner or later my mum must have noticed that my notebooks had nearly blank pages and the school was expensive anyway. But the direct trigger to leave that school was that the kids read that letter.

We were sitting in the classroom during the break. I had a random bunch of papers on my desk and my friend asked me if he could look through it. I said that sure, why not, convinced that all he would find there were random doodles and drawings (because honestly, who wouldn't want that? Back then I drew almost as well as I do now. Only the other way around. Meaning, I haven't much improved since then). However I overlooked the fact that the draft of the fatal letter was there as well, for it was November and I had just finished writing to Santa.

The boy let me know that he explored the content of it by merciless laugh. It's not even important what was inside, the important thing is that I have been mocked like never before and probably never after in my lifetime. I totally lost it; I cried, I shrieked, I shouted, I kicked, I bit and then I left for home. And never went back.

When I was back home I unleashed the emo side of my nature, I wouldn't tell my mom what the hell was wrong with me, but eventually she pressed it out from me. I asked her if I could stay home the following day and she said something along the lines: "If I were you, I wouldn't stay, there is no reason"
Then I said something like: "There is no reason?! I never try to skip school for no reason (okay, so that wasn't completely true), but this is a REASON". You must understand, it was emotionally huge for me (I'm not like that anymore, don't worry). And then she said:
"You will let them win over you if you stay home even for one day, they will see that they hurt you. But if you can face the humiliation, you will be the one triumphant and soon they will forget about the whole thing".
Then I said that she didn't understand and that I'm not going to school neither the next day nor any other day ever. Mum told me that it was my choice and I'm still startled at how she let me made a decision like that on my own, how trustful she was to assume that I was mature enough, which obviously I wasn't. I was 9 years old, for God's sake.

And I made that choice. I left in humiliation, not having any chance to clear my name again. And I regret that. Of course I don't regret the new school, because education was so much better there and I made great friends. But if I could, I would go back, go to school the next day, because let's be honest, it was a matter of sucking it up for one period, two maximum.

But we escape from things so many times. We think that we win over something if we don't face it, because that way it doesn't have any opportunity to crush us. But it's a walkover win.
I sometimes skip a test I didn't prepare for, thinking that it's always better to prepare for the second date and get a better mark anyway (hey, good news! I got an almost-B in chemistry by this very means. This is how I support my thesis. Imagine my essays).
But it's just setting my mind on the escaping attitude. And now am I more prone to escaping much bigger things in the future? Probably yes.

Conclusion: great are words of maternal wisdom.

So let's not escape, shan't we?

Song of the day: Pokemon Opening Song (high-jumping in my PE class today and I start humming this song. Does anyone find that weird?)

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