Friday, May 25, 2012

So much like

I often wish I could trade things for other things. It might be a consequence of practically just living around the stores, getting on Ebay almost everyday and buying generally more than you need, which almost every social platform encourages you to - you feel like everything is a product. If everyone tells you that your happiness is a product (provided by this new look you can get from H&M), the happiness (that new laundry powder) and safety (that new insurance policy) of your family are products, why can't your emotions and relationships be products? Sounds perfectly logical.
Sometimes gaining experiences seems like gaining points in a video game. You just gather stuff until you have so much you can get a special power or trade it all for something else. It's always this easy distinction between quantity and quality - you have so much of something ordinary that you can barter it for one piece of something worthwhile. That's what I think whenever I meet someone who really likes me, especially if I can't fully reciprocate this person's feelings. Knowing these moments when my personality is so Hannah Montana I wonder how people can get a consistent image of me and I wonder how some of them can like me so much. It's surrealistic when they tell me I'm an angel, I'm one in a million or any other hackneyed set expression that sounds good only when say it like you mean it, and that doesn't get old only when your mom says it. And I wish I could just take all these people's false assumption of my wonderfulness and stream it into this one person's lack of an opinion about me whatsoever. This doesn't sound very socially bearable but from today's perspective I would trade all those kinds of likes into one particular like from one particular liker.
And yes, I am speaking of a boy.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Life update

I need to write, otherwise this really weird and ugly post is going to show every time I enter this blog. And it makes me read all of the "I know I've been neglecting this blog, but I've decided to write daily from now on" followed by a month of absence. This paragraph right here needs some sauce of slimy apologizing as well, but let me proceed with the life update everybody always hates so much and apologize afterwards.

The funny thing about Polish school is that from the very first day of high school they try to make you believe that your life is never going to generate more important a moment than your final high school exams. They usually succeed at scaring the crap out of everybody who does finals countdowns two years ahead (solid fact. I can give you names). Me personally? I was told that prom was going to be the most magical night of my life and after this fat lie I stopped believing any statement any school official gives me, so I think my nervous system was okay throughout the exams. I did fine, even though I just took standards, believing I was gonna get a handful of scholarships and not have to stay in Poland for  my studies (a woman of faith, right here). Thoughts on any of that? Just one particular point - if they tell you you're supposed to start working on your final Polish presentation in September - they're probably right. And if you don't want to lose a year for something that's not going to be graded justly anyway  - just be aware that starting the night before your exam may possibly be the worst idea you ever come up with. But that's behind me, I still have one exam left, but that's next week, besides it's just oral English, so I'm practically on vacation.

I'm moving in September (if at all... money is a party pooper as always. Or lack of thereof), in June I'm going to do Camp NaNoWriMo with Kate. July there's the Christian Camp that I go to as a member of staff. Every part of it is so exciting, preparing classes for kids, thinking about menu, doing schedules for each day and so on. While at it, I'm looking to find a secondary job as I have several hours a week more than I had during the school year and I can commute on my bike, which -believe it or not- is generally faster than public transportation, so I'm trying to find something not as mind-absorbing as my jobs tend to end up. Tomorrow I'll probably go to a couple of stores I've been to before to drop my CV - I honestly don't wanna go back to being a grocery store clerk and having to deal with all the minors trying to buy alcohol. I always end up being the public enemy of my neighborhood.

Okay, off to go to the theater with my best friend to celebrate 100% on my oral exam. Later days.

Song of the day: Run For a Fall - Epica

Verse of the day: A joyful heart is good medicine, But a crushed spirit dries up the bones.  Proverbs 17:22


Oh, and I'm sorry :)

Thursday, April 5, 2012

This isn't BEDA... but it's Easter break.

This isn't BEDA... but it's Easter break (you see what I did there? It's totally like an incipit! Like in Greek "incipit" for the first verses of a text which used to formulate the title of the poem? Anyone? -> English nerd). I'm really enjoying reading all the BEDAs and watching the VEDAs as well as cheering my friends who are doing Script Frenzy. April is a good month. 


So, as my Easter break has just started, I'll blog every day. That sentence has just totally opened a new paragraph. I have no idea how you continue from here.
Anyway, I've had a really good day today. It's amazing how many things you can get done when you're NOT at school or at work. I have watched the first episode of Job Hunters. I don't really know what to say about it - a lot of people said it was odd, but I did like it. The idea for having clips from the safe house intertwined with those from the arena was a little bit confusing, I'm not sure which part is a retrospection or what (just like in Stardust Memories by Woody Allen. I feel like I'm talking about Woody Allen all the time on here). But I'm sure it will be easier to watch as the next episodes come out.


For solid five minutes I was trying to build up a sentence but every time I felt like a part of it is a lie. There seemed to be something excruciating about my point, that I've seen a girl from our grocery store for the first time refusing selling alcohol to an intoxicated person. I don't know why this point moved me so. Maybe because I used to work there and it's actually the first time they respect law :D


Song of the day: Love Love Love - Of Monsters and Men


Verse of the day: For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Corinthians 5: 14-15

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Unearth it I must!

This post is like Voldemort's soul. It comes to you in eight parts.


Part 1. Since I avoid doctors as I can, I really get excited when I get a very accurate medical diagnosis. My eye hurt like listening to Ke$ha, so I went to the eye doctor. He told me "I'm afraid you blink too little" (apparently that's what gets you an eye infection) . All I wanted to say to this was "Hey, I'm a Doctor Who fan" at the same time concocting in my brain a letter to BBC to take Doctor Who down, because look at what the "don't blink" meme has done to me. But looking on the bright side, I finally got a prescription for new glasses. Because a 200$ expense is exactly the kind of joy I'm dreaming of!


Part 2. I finally know what is wrong with "Vicky Christina Barcelona". This movie has been bothering me for a while and I couldn't get why everybody's more excited for a Woody Allen than I am. Until I rewatched it with a resolution "Unearth it I must!" (please, understand, I've seen EVERY SINGLE movie of Allen's and read every single one of his publications, there was no way I could feel so ambiguous about this one). So I did. And I discovered that the characters are extremely badly written! That's really painful for me to write about Allen, but holy mackerel! Can you actually imagine someone with personality like Juan Antonio? I don't think he's coherent in whatever he does, on the one hand all this decadent and self-indulgent outlook, on the other he seems like he does in fact care. For me he's the most dramatic one here, but it's hard to feel for him, 'cause he's just too bland. I wouldn't hold Scarlett Johansson responsible for a terrible impersonation of Christina as it's only one of her numerous wishy-washy roles. But Vicky? Does this girl know first thing about life? It's like she's totally different in the first and second parts of the movie. I can't seem to understand them.


Part 3. It's amazing how I started writing my essay for French some 11 hours ago and everything I've got so far is a rough draft of the introduction and 'premierement' at the beginning of the second paragraph.


Part 4. The other Sunday I had to thumb a ride to get to church. (?! Let me repeat that. ?!!!!!!) The state of my city right now is pure Hellmouth. I got so excited when I saw a bus going from my home neck of the woods to Ogrody, which -you can't know that- is in my case the most desirable place to go in any situation and otherwise it takes an hour and a half to get there. So I walk up to the driver, all psyched that I can minimize my commute to work and ask if that's true what's written on the light board. You know what he says? "Nope. We're kicking off for April Fools' Day". Oh, my life.


Part 5. Tomorrow's gonna be my third attempt at going to school this week. I know that Bible says not to give up. But maybe the question is if God really wants me there. (probably far-fetched interpretation of Biblical teachings. But seriously, every time I try to go my eye is getting worse)


Part 6. I'm entering the last month of high school, to which I can say - I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm not the happiest among my namesakes (there's only 600 of us so I feel like that's a safe assumption). This was worse than anything. I do appreciate you, school, but please just go away.


Part 7. If there's actually anyone reading this (my bad, I know I'm not consistent :), I could really use your help with planning my best friend's birthday party menu. Right now I've decided only on drinks, which (stolen from my favorite Seattle dork team at Kristina's :) are to be Hunger Games-themed. You can't help everyone drinking, but you can keep your liquor creative. Anyway, so I feel so like bursting-with-responsibility Percy with a P-badge on his chest, also I feel a certain Desperate Housewife- syndrome here, but well... I need to get this menu right! So please, leave your suggestions. I'll probably be grouching about it all throughout April, so no worries. Party menu. BIG TIME.


Part 8. Some other stuff I want to say to some of you:
Melinda - you're lovely and I miss your face
Nicole - I want to hear all about Amsterdam!
Hayley - don't set fire to the rain!
Kathy S - whenever you post the pictures of your husband and you, it's like cute-o-pocalypse happening on the screen :)
Ania - Hunger Games movie discussion soon?


Song of the day: Exile Vilify - The National (sidenote one. I really wanted to get rid of the memories from Sweden connected to this song. And I guess I did, 'cause the only thing I see now is teaching my American friend Theresa the Polish word for "vilify" and her laughter. Sidenote two: if we're talking about TN - I can't believe that Birdy's cover of Terrible Love is the first suggestion on the YouTube search bar. Okay, she is good. But that's not how it should work. Adele/ Bob Dylan - likewise. This is SO not right)


Verse of the day: "My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:7

Monday, March 5, 2012

Sense/sensibility (underline when applicable)

I'm finally starting to get the idea of arranged marriages. You trust someone who just knows better what is good for you. It's like missing mom when you're finally adult - you enjoy all this liberty but on the other hand you wish someone would you tell you that you GET TO BED THIS MOMENT. Now that we're not kids anymore we have to analyze the situation and choose the reasonable option. But that's the problem with having to choose yourself. If I could pack all the feelings and emotions in a box and push it down the cellar stairs I would. But you know what? Every single romantic comedy has a 'listen to your heart' line. And we're automatically programmed to work by 'sensibility', not 'sense'.


Song of the day: People Help the People - Birdy (I dedicate this song to Melinda. I have a feeling you'll like it. Tell me if I'm mistaken)

Verse of the day: These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuteronomy 6: 6-7

Sunday, March 4, 2012

What's on my desk?

I guess I officially changed the 'blog everyday in 2012' resolution into the  'blog frequently in 2012' one. I really feel like blogging at this moment!
So what is happening? I'm sitting at my desk, with my cat Prim (she came before Hunger Games!) continuously trying to place her chin on the keyboard and flipping out whenever I start typing again. When I start typing really fast and the words form themselves on the white of the screen, looking like little ants marching from left to right, she grows considerably more interested and observant. I'm probably gonna have to keep her away from the computer as she might just start jumping at the letters moving fast.
By my right hand stands a 2L thermos full of earl grey tea with raspberry syrup and by my left hand is a purple mug full of the same liquid. I kind of just thought of the tag that I might do right now. So that's how we end up with an enormous number of those?
Near to the cup is my CASIO scientific calculator, which I intend to sell, because my school made me buy it for chemistry classes, but hey, I am not allowed to use it during my finals, I need to get another, simpler one. School is so logical. 
By my right hand there is a stack of books I'm gonna need for my final presentation: literature dictionary, dictionaries of symbols, cultural traditions, myths and everyday objects. Next a magazine clipping on those types of presentations and a notebook where I keep record of all my expenses.
Next, a bookmark (orange with the silhouettes of cats. I must tell you that the notebook and mug mentioned above do have different representations of cats on them as well. I definitely have a thing for cats.) A ziaja olive hand cream, which you should be sad about since it's a brilliant hand lotion and unfortunately you can get it only in Poland. A timetable printed from the Internet for the bus 93 (one that goes from one of the main tramway stations to my church). A study plan (!!!) for March (it says here that I should prepare this crazy final presentation. Like I could forget about it). Next an eco-friendly shopping bag, my family allowance balance from last year, a basket full of pens and pencils (note the magnificent  zig-zag blade scissors! They're so third grade!). A smurf pin that I used to keep on my wallet but it kept falling off. Next there is a desk organizer which does to my papers everything but organize them. A glimpse on that: Visa Application, College Costs Breakdown, my Immunization Record :D, Bible quiz book, more college stuff, blah, photos of Paris, college stuff, my Hannah Montana paper block, a NaNoWriMo planning notebook, college stuff.
A ton of post-it notes. Most of them pink. A big big file organizer with: photos from my cousin's wedding, a Ballet 2000 magazine from June, Johnny Depp filmography, a notebook all filled with things written in runes all over it!, old newspapers (2007), New Year's Resolutions from 2010, sheets of correspondence with the Polish Ambassador in Russia, a map of Berlin and a script from two trainings for Sunday School teachers.
Okay so that's all. My desk is boring. See you tomorrow! Oh, and I tag everyone who reads it. Okay, I tag Nicole ;)
Song of the day: The Scientist - Coldplay
Verse of the day: For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29: 11-13

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Chapter 34

A child may ask, "What is the world's story about?"and a grown man or woman may wonder,  "what  way will the world go? How does it end and, while we're at it, what's the story about?"


I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one, that has frightened and inspired us so that we live in a Pearl White serial of continuing thought and wonder. Humans are caught - in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too - in a net of good and evil. I think this is the only story we have and that it occurs on all levels of feeling and intelligence. Virtue and vice were warp and woof of our first consciousness, and they will be the fabric of our last, and this despite any changes we may impose on field and river and mountain, on economy and manners. There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well - or ill?


Herodotus, in the Persian War, tells a story of how Croesus, the richest and most-favored king of his time, asked Solon the Athenian a leading question. He would not have asked it if he had not been worried about the answer. "Who," he asked, "is the luckiest person in the world?" He must have been eaten with doubt and hungry for reassurance. Solon told him of three lucky people in old times. And Croesus more than likely did not listen, so anxious was he about himself. And when Solon did not mention him, Croesus was forced to say, "Do you consider me lucky?"
Solon did not hesitate in his answer. "How can I tell?" he said. "You aren't dead yet."
And this answer must have haunted Croesus dismally as his luck disappeared, and his wealth and his kingdom. And as he was being burned on a tall fire, he may have thought of it and perhaps wished he had not asked or not been answered. 
And in our time, when a man dies - if he has had wealth and influence and power and all the vestments that arouse envy, and after the living take stock of the dead man's property and his eminence and works and monuments- the question is still in there: Was his life good or was it evil? - which is another way of putting Croesus's question. Envies are gone and the measuring stick is: "Was he loved or was he hated? Is his death felt as a loss or does a kind of joy come of it?"


I remember clearly the deaths of three man. One was the richest man of the century, who, having clawed his way to wealth through the souls and bodies of men, spent many years trying to buy back the love he had forfeited and by that process performed great service to the world and, perhaps, had much more than balanced the evils of his rise. I was on a ship when he died. The news was posted on the bulletin board, and nearly everyone received the news with pleasure. Several said "Thank God that son of a bitch is dead."
Then there was a man, smart as Satan, who, lacking some perception of human dignity and knowing all too well every aspect of human weakness and wickedness, used his special knowledge to warp men, to buy men, to bribe and threaten and seduce until he found himself in a position of great power. He clothed his motives in the names of virtue, and I have wondered whether he ever knew that no gift will ever buy back a man's love when you have removed his self-love. A bribed man can only hate his briber. When this man died the nation rang with praise and, just beneath, with gladness that he was dead.
There was a third man, who perhaps made many errors in performance but whose effective life was devoted to making men brave and dignified and good in a time when they were poor and frightened and when ugly forces were loose in the world to utilize their fears. This man was hated by the few. When he died the people burst into tears in the streets and their minds wailed, "What can we do now? How can we go on without him?"


In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love. When a man comes to die, no matter what his talents and influence and genius, if he dies unloved his life must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror. It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.
We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built on the never-ending contest in ourselves of good and evil. And it occurs to me that evil must constantly respawn, while good, while virtue, is immortal. Vice has always a new fresh young face, while virtue is venerable as nothing else in the world is.


Chapter 34 from East of Eden by John Steinbeck.


Song of the day: Archive- Again


Verse of the day: Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Psalm 73:25-26

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Even this post is from two weeks ago...

Okay. You noticed how hard it is to start something fairly easy if you stopped for a short while?
Well, the art of getting back to blogging after a week or so of break feels worse than the first day of NaNoWriMo. That's why I decided to do this in a coffee place, so that I can't be distracted and focus only on writing. 

(well, technically, I came here to write my entry for Less Than Three. And I might have gotten around doing that in the last five days left to submission. I should make this into my normal introduction when I'm meeting people). However, I don't know how on Earth I thought that I would be able to focus in a coffeehouse more than at home. Really, some weird figuring process right here. So, we just have to accept the thought that I just wanted to be showing off my amazing typing skills at a Starbucks, just like every fancy-schmancy writer is expected to do.

So that's it, let me give you a little update on why I've been away. Last Monday I had this English Language National Competition (for some reason it is really called English Language Olympics but that sounds just stupid), so I was studying all weekend. I think I did well, the written exam was crazy but I made it to the oral part the next day (I waited six hours before I went in for the exam. With some people I made friends with we decided that if we make it to the finale in April, we'll take tons of board games. I'd go for Super Farmer). I think that went well, cause I was waiting so long (and moaning about it so much) that I got rid of all the possible stress, but I'll know if I got into the finale in a couple of weeks (only 7 people from ours and two neighboring regions can get in) so you shouldn't expect any interruptions in the daily schedule :) Hope I get in, that'd mean I won't have to sit my finals in May :)

Also, I sing/play in a worship team and this weekend we have 'Worship Weekend' which is basically just all the Christian bands from our town leading worship and prayer sessions ALL THE FREAKIN 48 HOURS! This is pretty amazing, so we have rehearsals all the time.

Needless to say, I've been struggling to find inspiration to write my Less Than Three story. I've had this brilliant idea back in December and I still think it's a very very writable theme but the problem is it requires so much (medical) research it unsettles me how to get around actually doing that.

Throughout the process of writing this post the people-rotation typical of Coffee Shops worked its magic, The Most Annoying Couple Of The Day made their way to do all the other Together Things that I don't have to be listening to from the opposite table, so I think I might be getting back to figuring out my story character. See you tomorrow!

Verse of the day:  “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

Song of the day: Fallin - Alicia Keys

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Pell-mell and golden thoughts

Okay, linguistic story time with Nela. All in all this blog is entitled Words and Some Punctuation and while I feel like punctuation has been conspiring some nasty scam against me, words is something I quite enjoy talking about.

So let's talk about words. Starting with:

pell-mell [ˈpɛlˈmɛl]
adv
1. in a confused headlong rush the hounds ran pell-mell into the yard
2. in a disorderly manner the things were piled pell-mell in the room
adj
disordered; tumultuous a pell-mell rush for the exit
n
disorder; confusion
[from Old French pesle-mesle, jingle based on mesler to meddle]


So in middle school, we had these survey notebooks. I don't know if it was big in any other country, but at some point everybody had one. On the first pages you wrote an interminable list of ludicrous and far-fetchedly 'witty' questions and everybody whom you gave the notebook to, had to stick an envelope with the answers to its pages. In my circle of friends (which, needless to say, was not based at my school) we grew to call these "pele-mele", a word that didn't exist. Nobody really knew why we called them that and it was only today that my friend learnt about what pele-mele means in French (non-accidentally in English as well). All the other people called the notebooks 'golden thoughts'. Again, needless to mention that I felt pretty ostracized because I called them differently.

So like, conclusion...? Isn't calling something totally random, pointless and also something that's a platform for middle school castes forming 'golden thoughts' a little puffed-up? Or maybe that's the joke. I mean, you usually call 'golden thoughts' some quote from an important piece of literature, someone's last words or total cliches about life that end up being encouragement pillows. But really, if you choose the answers to questions like 'would you rather date Santa Claus or the Easter Hare' or 'milk first or cereal first?' to be something you're remembered for...? I don't know where I'm going. Honestly. Total lame-off. But still. Can't help thinking about which name it should be called.
I also feel sad because pell-mell is too cool a word not to be used, but it sounds totally farcical.

Digression item number one: another thing I discovered today, and it is a really interesting phenomenon - sometimes when I read a lot during the day, I don't feel really hungry. And that's not only because I don't need to use my energy for anything more than sitting/lazing around but because book lovers are usually so emotionally engaged in the story that reading does in fact tire. It's a feeling as if you literally ate words. Which, even it sounds cool, would mean just the opposite, etymology-wise (like, honestly, why is 'eating one's words' such a derogatory phrase?).

Digression item number two: I've been reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy all day today. It is amazing how many expressions for different kinds of road surfaces I got from this book.

Digression item number three: it is amazing how cats' memory doesn't work long term. Or maybe they're just very 'grasp the moment' kind of animals. My cats have eight and eleven years. And they're still mildly freaked-out when it's snowing. You know, jumping and catching the snow flakes. I feel like that deserves a video on the Internet. Oh wait, somebody already did that?!

Song of the day: Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club (a suggestion from Julie)

Verse of the day: Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. Philippians 2: 14-16

Monday, January 16, 2012

Going crazy with the movie list and getting tired after the first description.

Hello lovely readers!
I'm trying to send out positive vibes because I've been acting like a selfish d-bag today and everyone was really kind to me regardless of my pettiness (okay, aside from all the 'Prom is going to be the most splendorous night of your life, you'll ruin it if you don't go' claims. People, get over it.) 
Tomorrow I get a day off! (legitimately, this time :) I'm gonna be studying all day and I'm starting this joyful business SO early, I need to get a good night's sleep. That's why I'm doing  a list, even though I was planning on elaborating on 10 reasons why not to go to prom.
Today, brushing my teeth I was thinking about how I can never answer if somebody asks me about my favorite movie. It's a weird thing, I just can never think of a particular one straight away. Then all those brilliant ones come to my mind when I'm brushing my teeth and I wish I'd had them systematized or something. How about that? (keep in mind that I'm not a huge movie person, I don't watch much so I'll appreciate your suggestions). Seriously. I'm looking forward to reading what you like to watch!




1. Snow Queen - this one is so cheesy. It's a TV family movie (one of those made in two parts, so old school). I first saw it last month, when my head was full of migraine slaying  my consciousness and I decided to watch the TV channel that has the renown of airing crappy USRR movies and American erotic comedies. But, I liked it so much that I bought it as soon as I was done watching it (basically the kind of movie you get for 1 dollar and end up loving to bits). That was one of the very few story adaptations that I enjoyed (especially hard to attain, since the tale has been with me for my entire life), it had the exact  same feel to it as the Andersen's story has. The setting is beautiful, even though Gerda's character reminds Bella Swan's ambiguous face expression a little bit.
2. Lars and the Real Girl
3. Midnight in Paris
4. The Piano
5. Breakfast at Tiffany's
6. Anne of the Green Gables (I know, right? I used to watch it every freakin' Sunday, when I was round twelve)
7. Gone with the Wind
8./9. You've Got Mail & Sleepless in Seattle (I feel like those two need to be put together because of the amazing duet Hanks and Ryan.)
10.Black Swan
11. Atonement
12. Bright Star
13.A Secret Window
14. Storm of the Century
15. A common thread
16. Girl, Interrupted
17. Autumn in New York
18. Hannah and her sisters
19.Edward Scissorhands 
20. September
21.Interiors (such. a. brilliant. one.)
22. Alice
23. The Astronaut's wide
24. What's Eating Gilbert Grape
25. Singin' in the Rain


Song of the day: Forever Yours - Alex Day (the instrumental version has been stuck in my head today)


Verse of the day: So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Galatians 5:16

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Watch it rain

Once there was a little girl. She loved playing in the rain. You know, every other weather was appreciated too, but shinning up a tree seemed fun only if its crown provided a nice viewpoint to observe the majesty of God, throwing the lightnings all over the withered fields, and bathing in the lake was never as delightful as when the cold rain lashed and only the warm area of the lake gave pleasurable sanctuary. Rain boots were number one item of shoe wear. Whenever it started pouring, she turned deaf to the screams of her mom yelling that she was going to get pneumonia. She adored the sound of umbrellas unfurling and their dancing as people moved awkwardly along the sidewalk, although she never carried one with her, feeling that she was above that.
It was about letting the rain soak down to her bones. Not literally, but she felt as if the rain was on its way. She loved the feeling that she could be in the center of the storm.
The little girl thought nobody should care if she had a name, a family, a blood type. She didn't even remember she had one of those. But maybe there were no thoughts at all, no impressions, no observations. I can't even tell if there were any actual feelings involved. It just seemed like a very abstruse sense of being. I would say the little read-headed girl experienced very abstruse senses of being quite often. She did not see any problem in this practice. Being consumed by whatever kind of feeling was a new life, not a scene in a play that consisted of several intertwined stories. Here each story was a story of today. The girl wasn't experiencing sadness but she seemed to had become it. The girl wasn't stratifying her feelings. There was just one timeline. One life each day.


Last week it rained a lot. I would be perfectly happy just to happen to be in the neighborhood and pop in to check out my work training, being in this one timeline, detached, not having situations to fix.
I did look at the raindrops. They reminded me of something. I don't think it was a feeling, or an impression, or a thought. It was more like a fashion of being, very abstruse and complicated in one's attempts to understand how it works, but gosh, so simple to live. I tried to let this be me. Let the rain be me. Let me be overwhelmed by the wonder of it all.
But all I'm overwhelmed by is the glut of life. One life. And it's not the life of today, but of all the days. That's why I cannot get into one timeline of being, cannot be someone else, or maybe just a different me. If I were to meet the little girl again, today I would see the Sunday girl. And tomorrow the Monday girl. But if she chose so she could also be the Thursday girl tomorrow. That wouldn't be a problem. 
 I can't say what actual difference there is between us. Is it all the standardized testing I've done, 'adult' hormones in my blood or an ID that allows me to drink legally? Bills? Tax forms? What I know is that I can't afford to be in the center of the storm like that's all there is. And that's why I can only watch it rain. Nothing beyond that.


Song of the day: Never Play - Emily and the Woods


Verse of the day: To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8: 31-32

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Since the last blog post...

Since the last blog post:


-I slept for 20 hours straight. I would be a real cancer-fighting machine. Which would be okay since there's a lot of cancer in my family. Which also isn't very helpful 'cause I probably can't give away my hours spent cancer-fighting to anyone who actually needs them.


-I spent 48 hours looking for loppers to disembody my late christmas tree. No evidence of loppers found.


-I've made calculations concerning the most suitable temperature in my room as far as bills go and had to compromise on one much too low for my personal comfort.


-hence I slept some more. Because it was so cold.


-I've washed approx. 400 pieces of China.


-I've gotten The Fault in Our Stars in my mailbox.


-I went to the hospital. Made friends with the coat checker and decided not to buy candy from the hospital's candy store so...


-I went outside to get candy and discovered the candy was weirdly hard and overall not so fresh.


-Realized that today is the eighth birthday of two of my cats. Happy Birthday Prim and Odile! I also realized that my third cat would be starting high school next year. My, my, time flies. (it's like, apparently you have to set these milestones to be a successful parent. Or cat-owner.)


-What is slightly connected, I talked with my friend about all of our high school friends that are now parents and/or are going to be. I have to say that I finally feel like a teenager.


Song of the day: The Fiddle and The Drum - Joni Mitchell




Verse of the day: Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. 1 John 4: 20-21

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

***

There are some things in which I don't believe. Prom is one of them.


There are also some I can't believe. This is one of them.


Song of the day: Sparks - Jesse Woods


Verse of the day: When hard pressed, I cried to the LORD; he brought me into a spacious place. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? 
Psalm 118:5-6

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Law&Order and more.

One of these days I'm going to turn on the TV and Law & Order is not going to be on.


This thought deserves its own blog post. But I feel like this would be laziness.


An amazing thing about traveling is that you have this right to leave everything mentally behind as you are physically leaving it. My world may be shattering and I may be crying my eyes out, but there is no way my absence at work is going to be justified. However, if I randomly decide to hop on a train and go to seek the Great Perhaps, I don't have to care anymore. I can just say 'I can't help y'all much at the moment, I'm in a motel 150 miles away'. Then, suddenly, it is okay to be just yourself, to be this self-sufficient constituent peregrinating from the familiar to the new. Today I suddenly realized why that is. It's like if you're in a closed area, you feel like in a separate world. That's not weird as long as you stick to the familiar places. The advantage of traveling here is that you're often exposed to new territories where your old life and your old problems don't exist. When I'm in an unknown new apartment, a whole new universe opens in my head. I no longer have to keep obligations I made in the domestic space, nor care about friends or interests at home. 
It always made me amazed at how different it feels to be in the same vehicle but moving from one place to another. You can get on a train, close your eyes and move from the mountains to the sea. You can sit in the tram, not changing your position at all, your hand grasping the pole at the same spot, your foot rested against the side radiator all the time, but in the course of fifteen minutes you're somewhere completely different! 
It is something very fascinating how being enclosed in different environments makes you create these separate realities. Realities where the peculiarities of the domestic one disappear. Or is it just me?


Taking into account that my phone's ringing just freaked me out so much I decided not to take the call, it may be just me. I've been fearing lately (a dream? I don't know) that if I answer the phone, the policeman made of play-dough is going to inform me about some bad news.


Also, I have this random thought about my cats. You know how in animal movies there are always two teams of cats - home-loving pedigrees and landfill wanderers? Take Stuart Little. It always made me laugh how the abandoned cats poked fun at those spoilt homeys. But even though my dears aren't pure-blooded, it just struck me that in reality all the stray cats in the neighborhood are probably making fun of them because they're so loved, spoilt and domesticated. THEY HAVE IT TOO EASY.


Song of the day: King Rat - Modest Mouse


Verse of the day: Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. 1Peter 2: 1-3

Monday, January 9, 2012

What a treacherous thing to believe...

I don't succumb to the miserable feeling of failure that I feel like plunging in right now.  I'm still gonna do this. I only forgot about the John Green Week. I'm not sure if doing John Green was at my list of New Year's Resolutions. If it was I'm screwed but otherwise my self-esteem remains untouched.


 Today I watched this lecture about how people's perception of the pursuit of happiness changes as one moves from one age group to the other. The researcher argues her point by the common topic that bloggers from different age groups blog about. When you're 12-14 you're in the simple phase. Later, you enter the angst one. Ages 19-22 are dedicated to the feeling of confinement, before you cross the threshold of 23 - the 'conquer the world' era. 
There is one thing I hate about researches like that, especially if they prove themselves to be true. The fact that, if they are true, they imply that the person is not only a person, but a material, a biological species, that we are allowed to group in some way, that we are allowed to put into a certain file. 
I do feel like I'm constricted. I know a lot of people who feel the same way. For me thinking that this is the result of the stage I'm in is somewhat underscoring. I would like to say that there are many conditions one is exposed to, but really, I reckon it makes me think of horoscopes in a way that saying 'all the 19-year olds feel as if they're in confinement' is like 'all the Aries are going to be in a romantic relationship in March'. I don't know how I feel about it. It makes the John Green quote resonate in my head, 'what a treacherous thing to believe that a person in more than a person'... Or rather 'what a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a psychological study'.


I feel like I shouldn't be doing community service anymore. It makes me feel like a person whereas all the other people think suitable for me to feel more like in the 'handle the teenager' instruction manual.
That was originally unrelated.


Song of the day: Let's Buy Happiness - Fast Fast


Verse of the day:   Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier. Also if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not win the prize unless he competes according to the rules. 2 Timothy 2: 3-6

Thursday, January 5, 2012

This is gonna be my Tumblr.

I wrote an angry and long rant but then my friend called me and we talked for 56 minutes. And at some I started defending the gorgeousness of math. Then of course I had only a couple of minutes to finish the blog for today, so I'm like 'reblog?'. For all of you interested, I AM NOT GETTING A TUMBLR. This is gonna be my Tumblr, hehehe. *bizarreness*. I start thinking that this blogging daily thing might have not been such a wonderful idea, but hey, I won't find out unless I actually do this. I'm sorry for any rubbish content you may find around this blogosphere in the next couple of months. I should be excused, I am not an artist. And not a wheezy waiter.


Here is something I wanted to 'reblog' (Leo, I kind of can see your triumphant little smirk at this moment). I'll probably dwell upon this in the next blog post. For now, this is a reblog (I do not speak tumblr).






Talk to you tomorrow.  Have a lovely Three Wise Man day (hey, they give us holiday, let's celebrate, right?). 


Song of the day: Nie ma za trudnych spraw - TGD


Verse of the day: Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight; stop doing wrong. Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. Isaiah 1: 16-17

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Forgiveness?

It is so uncommon to ask for forgiveness these days. When I do something mean, I usually don't say 'Please, forgive me'. I say 'I apologize' or 'I'm sorry, okay?'. But being sorry and asking for forgiveness isn't the same thing. By apologizing you express how you feel about the particular deed. But if someone has been a D-bag to me, I'd be more interested in his caring about how I feel that how he or she feels. That's how I see it - by apologizing you express your regret, but that doesn't imply you care about whether this other person is actually over the event. I feel that's saying something about the times we live in.


I think that asking for forgiveness is so scarce nowadays, because it's so hard. It requires a hell lot of courage to come to someone to say 'my regret doesn't matter, I hope your mind is at peace and you don't have to go over what has happened'. It's a chivalrous thing to do. We prefer to just say 'I'm sorry, okay?' because that was our holy right (all the every-man-is-created-free blabber) to do the wrong thing, but hey, we're sorry, business done, period.


Today made me think of the moral and historical forgiveness. Can we bear the guilt of our ancestors? Is it the right thing for me to ask you for forgiveness if my grand dad dumped your grand mom? What about Holocaust? Does every German person need to ask for forgiveness of other nations for nazism? 


I think it's a matter of how much you identify with your countrymen. I've never felt that I need to particularly forgive if a German says that he's sorry for how the history turned out. But then again, there are people who cry in the instances like that. People who hug, and yes, they forgive, forgive, forgive. 
It made me think about whether it's really troubling my mind that my grand father had actually killed someone. It's not. But maybe one day if I meet any Russians, I'll go like 'You know, your ancestors messed up the history of my nation. But I ask you to forgive me because a member of my family has once killed two of your countrymen'. I think I'll be alright with that. Morally.


What strikes me is how amazing it is that I can be friends with a person whose ancestors hated my ancestors. That I can marry a person from a country that was an enemy of mine. That if we forgive each other historically, we can form a family and see that everything eventually leads to peace.


Song of the day: Unfold - Marie Digby (it's pop. I KNOW)


Verse of the day: He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.  Micah 6:8

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Borgia and soccer commentators.

I am watching Borgia at the moment. I don't know if anyone here is interested in historical shows, but this is such a good one (as it is fashionable to say in YouTube guru community, 'I can't stress it enough how awesome this show is!'). I am so glad that shows like that get budget for the refined production. I love how the characters are impersonated, especially Lucrezia and Caesar. I might need to get some further reading on the history of the Borgias, even though the plot is based on some unverified facts. I always thought history was really interesting, but at the same time it is a very unpleasant long story. It's the pure evidence of human mistakes and strategic screw-up. One is certain - they had a pretty lavish life.

The most amazing thing about watching soccer on TV isn't the game itself. It might be interesting for sports nerds, but I am a language nerd, and you know what? Soccer commentators utilize language in the most hilarious and poetic way. Examples:

'The light of the goalpost doesn't seem to attract the ball today'

'If he kicked that ball, he would have scored'

'That's the red card...! But it's not pulled out!'  

'That's a goal! His heart must be jubilating!'

That is precious!

Also, a short entry today, because I just got Will Grayson Will Grayson in my mailbox. Off to do some reading! Have a great, reading Tuesday.        

Song of the day:  Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine

Verse of the day: For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age. Titus 2: 11-12
                

Monday, January 2, 2012

It-it-it-it's the Spiel of the Day!

It's beautiful how when you're happy it seems like the general worldsuck levels have decreased considerably. That is amazing - if you find a thing that makes you stay sane you pretty much end up having an amazing life. This little fact works the other way round too, unfortunately.Whenever you don't sleep well and you mingle your pills (I guess I mentioned the broken rib? You know what happens if you mistake your night pill for your morning pill? DISASTER HAPPENS. See, I am not even sure if I actually went to my Polish class today. I know I have an entry in my notebook, but I can't remember ANYTHING about it. And now I know why. I took the painkiller that is supposed to make me sleep for at least 12 hours. I wish I was stupid in a more adorable way, not the one that makes you forget stuff. I mean, hey, serial killer, come and invite me to your car, I won't realize what's happening).
So anyway, the first part of today was really crappy. And when I'm in the crappy mood I like to list things that make life even crappier (you know I have this thing for lists. I just adjust this fondness to my hysteria). And even though it's not very much, it made me hate everything so much more. For some reason self-induced hate for things improves your confidence.

One. My school's temperature regulation policy. Because it's (mildly) cold outside, you have to wear a coat. But since it's not like proper January-cold (for my area the typical temperature for January would be -10 degrees C and snow. None of that happening) it's not like you can pull out your winter puffy overlayers for this would not be responsible either, health-wise. So what you do is you get a shirt, a sweater and a coat. When you've gotten rid of the coat, you are perfectly dressed for winter. However, my school decides that since  it's cold outside, they have to cater to our warmth needs. And it is scorching. Our radiators are so old you can't regulate them. So basically you come from outside that makes your lips crack and it's sweltering. People are wearing tank tops and then bring extra shirts, a cardigan and a sweater for outside. I feel it's not long from now, the last string in me is going to break because of the heat. Maybe I'm ill-tempered. But it's you, school who brought me to that.

Two. Is every book meant to be turned into a movie nowadays? I've been wanting to read the Hunger Games for a long time but haven't had the opportunity. Finally I felt I just must do it, because the movie is coming out. Somebody tells me to read Girl With A Dragon Tattoo, and now what, it is being turned into a movie. Yes, it is interesting to see how the book looks shown on the screen.
 But it kills more than it produces.
 What happened to the books written only to be books?
 Isn't it an act of laziness of the producers and seeking the best monetary reward if the books is actually good?
Please don't do that to John Green books. I've already had to watch you do it to so so many good books.

Three. I've been kind of working with one of the once-major political parties in my country. Stuff like collecting money for the foundation of the handicapped. They were nice. Until they came LAST in the election. Now they don't give a damn. I might have a problem with that as well.


Song of the day: Runaway - The National

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A paper town for a paper girl.

For a long time I've been wondering why my adventures in Sweden brought such a change to my life. In my blog post about it I wrote about being a bundle of issues with a vivid discomfort and a sudden feeling of loneliness. It had been a good time there, but when I got back to my hometown, it was absolutely awful. It was as if the evil mirror from the Snow Queen was smashed once again and a little particle of if fell into my eyes. Nothing was as nice as I though it had been, nothing was as real and as good anymore. At first I thought it was because I'd had such a good time away and it was hard to get back to the notsomeness ("Man, I wish there was a photoshop for reality" - John Green). I still wondered at how my perception of what is important and what is rubbish changed after that little trip. But not until four months later did I realize what was it that I realized and that I wasn't the only one to come at such an realization.

Conclusion one: "Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or the cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell what the place really is. You see how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean look at it, Q: look at all those cul-de-sacs, those streets that turn in on themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters". "Paper Towns" by John Green, page 57-58

Conclusion two: "The truth is that whenever I went up to the top of the SunTrust Building - including that last time with you- I didn't really look down and think about how everything was made of paper. I looked down and thought about how I was made of paper. I was the flimsy-foldable person, not everyone else. And here's the thing about it. People love the idea of a paper girl. They always have. And the worst thing is that I loved it, too. I cultivated it, you know?

  Because it's kind of great, being an idea that everybody likes.

But I could never be the idea to myself, not all the way. And Agloe is a place where a paper creation became real. A dot on the map became a real place, more real than the people who created the dot could ever have imagined. I thought maybe the paper cutout of a girl could start becoming real here also. And it seemed like a way to tell that paper girl who cared about popularity and clothes and everything else 'You are going to the paper towns. And you are never coming back'". "Paper Towns" by John Green, page 293-294

Here's the deal: maybe you Q, or you John, strove to become the wounded man and decided it was an impossible operation. But you managed. These words struck through me like a lightning bolt, I had to stop reading and hide the book to my purse. And I probably gave out a very bad impression throughout the day. The last time I read Paper Towns I thought it was a good book. This time, I'd say I am the wounded man. And somebody has just been in my head and told me what was wrong with me for the entire time.

Sweden was my SunTrust Building. A place from where you can't see the cracks, rust and every stinking aspect of your world, but you see how fake it all is. Sweden was my SunTrust Building, seeing from that perspective I was able to see the paper town I've been built into here, or rather, that I've built? With the eyes of my imagination I could see a really powerful wind blow blustering against the frail paper walls. My organism told me that Sweden was supposed to be the Ultimate Trip - the one that Margo made to Agloe. Everything inside of me told me that the Ultimate Trip was leaving once for all, the blustering wind that would sweep the paper town from the face of the earth. That it was the end of the paperness. But it was not. And because it was not, it left me with a taste of bitterness in my mouth and a sharpened vision, having been up at the top floor of the SunTrust Building.
Once me and my friend were doing a survey for a magazine. One of the questions was "how do you see your future?". Our other friend responded "In 3D", probably to imply that the question was stupid.
But I never thought how I would like it to be true. I do want to see the future of everything in 3D.

Margo says that living in a paper town is caring about the unimportant things. What strikes me personally is not the fact that I do care about the other life more than the one that I live right now. It is the fact that I am SO insincere on the Internet. I don't mean to rake over every single event in my life and making it significant, because MY EMOTIONS ARE SO-OH IMPORTANT. No. I just don't want to be a paper girl. Because I do give a false impression. And -as illogical as it seems- unconsciously I mean to.

When I started this blog my goal was to make words signify things again. When I started BEDA my goal was to grasp the threat of a failure. As I'm starting the 2012 blogging season, my goal is to make the paper girl leave for paper towns and never come back. If I want a better life, I'm sorry.
 As in every good Internet lifestyle, there is a ridiculous challenge.
IN 2012 I'M GONNA BE BLOGGING DAILY. BAM. THERE YOU HAVE IT.

Song of the day: I'm Happy - Terra Naomi