Monday, January 27, 2014

A zigzagged spirit

I sometimes get to conclusions about how I'm feeling and I'm so certain and even baffled about how accurate the description is. Yet, I cannot say what it means exactly, what is the basis for my saying so etc. I just know for sure that I'm feeling zigzaggy at the moment, but please don't ask me how that is, I honestly have no clue. I was sort of hoping to figure it out through writing this blog post, but I'm quite iffy about thinking my feelings through too much. I fear that if I linger too long over how I'm feeling I'll become all blubbering and acting all female person-like. I'm also not gonna ponder over this statement more, cause my mom would be so angry at me for writing anti-feminist... (anything really) on the internet.

I find more and more that measuring things by my feelings was a very common way for me to think in my teenage years and sadly this was the reason I NEVER GOT STUFF DONE. I also didn't sleep much writing stupid lyrics and pretending I could sing them to my tender guitar strumming. Man, all because of caring about feelings too much. The world does not need any more bad music as for now. I'm not saying that feelings are bad. I'm saying that it's not a good idea to use feelings as a basis of your perception of the world. At least that's what I'm thinking right now. Why? Simply because being aware of how little I know makes me follow in a conclusion that there is so much more to what I can gather with my intellect. Would measuring the unseen grandeur of the world by what I'm feeling, not having seen or understood it all, make much sense? I think not. Maybe in ten years I'll read that and say that this was a way of thinking of a mere twenty year old. If you're really reading this, future me... I'm really quite sorry I constantly embarrass you.

But while I'm at it... hey, here's something embarrassing for your facepalming enjoyment: I got nothing done today. Again. Hey, exam period, hey!
One more discovery today: generally people say they were "procrastinating" in a humble way of diminishing themselves in a world where productivity and effectiveness (money-making really) is the highest virtue. I'm not saying I don't share in that viewpoint in  s o m e  way: even though career has never been something I would strive for no matter what, I do believe that laboriousness is an amazing principle and my mom would definitely back me up on that one (and now I feel redeemed for the first paragraph). So, if the society deems efficacy the main way to measure your success as a person, admitting that you lacked productivity is a way of diminishing yourself. Or is it? I think it really is a super mild way for what you're actually doing. To procrastinate means to defer until tomorrow, but actually the latin word "crastinus" means "belonging to tomorrow", and that's what it exactly is. Through procrastination you state that the given thing belongs to tomorrow. So it's not a problem to not have done it today, right? This outward self-diminishing is really an inward euphemism for laziness. Cause that's what you're doing: you're being lazy! And yes, I was being lazy today. Hopefully better things belong to tomorrow. Maybe. Hey, exam period, hey!

Verse of the day: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9    

Song of the day: American Dreamer - Alexz Johnson