Good is the longtime adversary of great. Similarly, a life that I don't love, automatically turns into a life that I hate.
For as long as I could make logical observations of the world, I had the basic knowledge of the seesaw phenomenon that everybody experiences in life. Once you're up and once you're down, but you just wait the misery out and usually you get to be up again. When being at seesaw in our kindergarten playground, I would always, to the annoyance of other kids, extend my turn down, so that they were left up in the air and eventually got panicked. However, this is less relevant to my point than it is to my reflection on my marred nature from the earliest years.
Anyway, I realize this seesaw metaphor might get you confused with the bipolar disorder. That's not what I have in mind - rather, I'm talking about the natural cycle of being off and on happy, off and on successful, off and on blooming.
I'm not gonna be kidding anyone: I am going through a tough time. Not because of a personal tragedy, but just because of that time down at the seesaw, the normal one, when you're certain you're not quite in your place. Yet a couple of months ago I though that even if I'm not living my dream at this particular time, I can take a year off, brace myself to be making big changes and take up some filler activity to maybe develop new skills while I wait for the next best thing. Yeah, so I thought.
I'm not wired this way. I'm way too weak to be ambivalent about my transition period. I'm not loving it and therefore I despise it and I wish I could just throw it all away.
I'm looking forward to my trip to Philly next week. I'm glad to be on it and I dread it. Both because of one reason: because I hope I'll get clarity. And when I finally get it and come back to my transition period it will in all caps SUCK.