Saturday, April 6, 2013

Taking a breath.

O sweet spontaneous
earth how often have
          fingers of
purient philosophers pinched
,has the naughty thumb
of science prodded
      beauty      .how
oftn have religions taken
thee upon their scraggy knees
squeezing and
buffeting thee that thou mightest conceive
to the incomparable
couch of death thy
          thou answerest
them only with
e.e. cummings

Song of the day: Clementine - Sarah Jaffe

Verse of the day: Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Feeling asymmetrical.

I love it how different symmetry and asymmetry are. And that's true, I've always loved Vihart's videos and as long as I had an A, would claim that math is my second-favorite subject in school (when I didn't, I felt a little bit more bitter towards it. Because I really really tried and it frustrated me when math was ungrateful of my trying). But I'm talking more about movements. Just mere looking at how symmetrical  a shape is can of course evoke emotions, and you get that nervous-rendering feeling that something is off, when the shape is not symmetrical, but sometimes the differences are minute or it doesn't concern you that much if they're not. But with movement, it relates to your own body and it does affect how you feel. I realized it just today and it truly baffles me.
Just the mere fact that standing in a symmetrical position makes you feel more balanced emotionally (like actually. I don't mean in in any New Age spirituality crap. If feels just like that moment when you're having a lemonade and watch a Target haul on Youtube. Or is it just me?).  I feel like this past week especially I've been doing a really substandard job at keeping myself symmetrical; every time I try to get something done the inner voice tells me to go to the farcically expensive campus store to get a jar of kosher pickles. Afterwards I just eat the entire jar right away, usually making it in time of an average tea-making. I don't know what it is that makes me do that, I guess I finally have proof that those female hormones are real. Super asymmetrical. Alarming even I dare say.

There is another observation I made today, but it may be controversial. It seems to me that at least 65% who say "I'll shoot you an e-mail about it " NEVER EVER do so (also, 60% of statistics is made up). However, that's not the gist of my observation, since it was part of my experience at least since my sociology teacher in high school. The new impression from today is that people who are in the process of sending you an e-mail virtually the moment when you're talking to them, end up sending you the message twice. This situation happens to me way too many times, its nadir being today when I got three e-mails from the Financial Aid office, all sent at the same minute, notably: when I was there. Oh well, I guess it's better to have a duplicate (and a duplicate of the duplicate too), than being ignored.
It's just weird.

Verse of the day: Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord. 2 Corinthians 10:17

Song of the day: Don't stop - Alexz Johnson

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

BEDA shouldn't start on a Monday.

For a couple of days I was trying to pretend that BEDA is not approaching, and was quite successful at it. The same time of year two years ago I was dying from jitters dreading April Fools' Day having already made up my mind about writing every day. Surprisingly, I succeeded, so maybe it would be wiser for me not to try again, so that I could say I did BEDA every time I tried it. Just now, in my mind, I was thinking of Miss Rachel who didn't try the baking contest after having her lemon cake win it, but then I realized it was in a book.

Actually, I was just thinking about it today: every once in a while I have a conversation where I say something like: "And then I married this guy that saved my sister from disgrace by paying her boyfriend to marry her... oh, wait, that was Jane Austen". And then I wonder when people comment on how interesting my life is.
Anyway, today the spring term started, and in one of my classes we were supposed to write a short bio for the teacher to have as a reference. I surprisingly listed "journaling" as my hobby, but realized later on that in my mind I probably meant "blogging". See, that's the thing: I do love the idea of journaling. I hate reading my journal entries. I guess the idea that someone else will eventually be reading whatever you've written motivates you to control your haranguing habits. Journaling does not. I do have proof.
Would that mean now that I'm doing BEDA in order to improve the quality of my writing within the journal format? Certainly doesn't seem so when you read today's maudlin post. But, hey.

Verse of the day: He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification. Romans 4:25

Friday, January 4, 2013


So much crazy stuff has happened since I last wrote anything on there. I came to an appreciation of having a buddy at a war, since there was a lot of areas of my life to fight for. Also, a simple conclusion followed: I pretty much suck at doing anything by myself. I see that without the power of Holy Spirit in my life I am a hollow vessel and I let all kinds of baloney inside, but then again I'm not even good at holding that, so that's a bummer. Many people say that my outlook is pessimistic, but really, it's all about knowing where your worth is coming from. I know it comes neither from what I've done, cause there's nothing noble in that, nor from what my character is like. The answer is simple: it's all about WHO I am. And I am a daughter of a King, so that's something to bowl over.

That being said I wanna say that nothing REALLY changed all that much, and that I want to get back to blogging just as if these couple of months didn't make a difference. In reality, they did, it's just that I didn't feel like sharing the wonders God has been working in my life. However, through that, I am a different person now. I have more faith in His promises, I am flabbergasted over His kindness, and feel like I value myself more through having more trust in my God and His people. So I guess I will be recounting the wonders of the last months after all.

First, I finished school. A traumatizing experience for the most part, but the relief was a serious thing too. After bidding goodbye to my nemesis hidden in Hogwarts-like walls I never went back, but got a job at a mall. Through working a 14-hour shift almost everyday for as much as $1.5 an hour I started resembling something that might have been cast for Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. But that was okay, cause I fell in love along the way, so my zombie face zeroed out with my cupid face. Eventually, I ended up loving my boyfriend for all the reasons in the world and no reason at all at the same time, and got involved in something that promises to be the first ever successful long-distance relationship. And I'm talking over 6 K miles long-distance. We mastered long-distance so well that long-distanceness should pay us rent or something. Seriously though.

I also had to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life. I was feeling numb for the longest time, which is probably normal if through caring after somebody for over a year, every day you know that you accompany them to the grave, and the only thing you can really do is show more and more love. Even if other stuff that happened were just random occurrences, losing my beloved aunt to cancer would definitely be the thing that changed me the most.

Shortly after that I moved to Philly. I fell in love with the city, with my college and with the friends I made so soon (one of the biggest wonders. I am not a person to make friends quickly or let others be friends with me for that matter, either). Moving to the US after being away for 13 years (!) was sure difficult, especially with having to set up all the legal stuff, and not having anybody to assist my financially here or back home. But wait, did I just say that? So I shouldn't have. Because I had God all along. Jesus' work on the cross might not seem like something done to provide for you financially, and that's true, but being His kid you get just as much as you need. And it didn't matter that I literally had no money on me whatsoever two days before I was supposed to board the plane. Cause money always came "randomly", or say "magically", just when I needed it. BOOM. Mind blown. Sure, when I didn't have essential needs, there were times that I was as broke as I have never been before, but that's okay, cause I had wonderful friends and Auntie Anne's coupons for pretzels.

Now I am as blessed as to sponsor a child from Africa. It has been my dream since two years ago, but I didn't really have the right heart to do this. Now I have the heart and resources, and the idea of loving someone from so far away makes my soul aflutter. And even though Jenifer lives in Ghana, every day I wake up and wanna wrap my arms around that little girl and share with her all that I got into stewardship.

I probably should conclude this in some mysterious English-majory way, so let me just say: HAPPY TIMES. Not necessarily joyful, but unwaveringly happy for sure.

Verse of the day: "When they see among them their children, the work of my hands, they will keep my name holy; they will acknowledge the holiness of the Holy One of Jacob, and will stand in awe of the God of Israel. Those who are wayward in spirit will gain understanding; those who complain will accept instruction" Isaiah 29:23-24

Song of the day: Guilt Train - Alexz Johnson